By Shawntaz Crawford
” For my sons and nephews. Read this when you are lost and need to find your way. “
Let her go. It hurts at first. You fucked something up. When a woman finally decides to leave you, she is not coming back unless something about you drastically changes. But don’t change to attempt to get her back. Change because you feel true retribution for whatever you did to fuck things up. Whenever you change for someone else, the change will not be sustainable. You are going to do that a few times at first: you’ll promise that you will change, promise that things will be different. But you don’t really mean it. Your ego is just hurt right now from the rejection. You probably never saw it coming. But the signs were all there.
I keep calling my ex. She blocked my number. This bitch. I said I was sorry. She should just accept my apology and get over it. Even though there has been a repeated cycle of this behavior. This time I am going to be different. I want to be with her, but she’s not everything I want. I want more. I want her too, though.
Something doesn’t feel right. My desire for someone else doesn’t diminish how I feel about her. But I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t even understand it myself. Love is supposed to make me not want anyone else, right? But I still do. I still feel love. Or maybe it’s not love… what is love anyway? I want her to wait around while I figure it out.
I just haven’t found the “right one.” I am going to want to only be with “the one.” How long is that gonna last, though? It sounds good. I just never have seen it manifested in reality. Or maybe it’s just me. I may be the only person that feels these types of things. I am not a good man. I am not a real man. Niggas do things because we’re just not shit. We just don’t care.
If we cared, we could fight our urges—ignore constant pressure from the media to be misogynous and oversexed, stay off of Facebook and Instagram, overcome 400 years of slavery, overcome feeling castrated by corporate America, ignore a 20-to-1 ratio of women because there are so many guys in jail as a result of a plot to destroy black men. But these are only excuses. A black man gets shot on TV every other day. Police continue to get exonerated. They even made a documentary about it. ( The 13th ). In the documentary, it was said that there are nearly 2 million black men in jail. But that has no effect on me.
I keep calling back my ex because I do not want her to leave me while I work through all of this shit. I want her to understand what it is like living in America as a black man. But, that is in a perfect world. This world ain’t perfect.
Now, here is some fucked up shit you got to realize as a man, everything is always your fault.In the real world, men don’t talk, and women never have a real understanding of what is going on inside of us. They are then left to project their limited views and definitions onto our behaviors. But we are much more complex than that. Women get the benefit of the doubt in all situations and we have to eat our decisions. The good ones will be ignored. They bad ones will be what we will be defined by.
So this message is not about trying to get a woman to understand your point of view. Or anyone else for that matter. It is about learning how to deal with it when they don’t. It’s about taking everything you have to deal with as a black man and refusing to let it become an excuse to not strive for excellence. You are going to feel like things are unfair. They are not fair. You feel some kind of way because you think that there is some kind of justice for us. There is not. The sooner you let go of that ideology, the better off you will become.
Accept that everything is harder. Accept that your pain is imaginary. Channel it into constructive and continued self-improvement. Continue to rise to the unrealistic expectations of strength and discipline placed upon you. Find a very constructive use of your energy. Redirect it. Read the laws of transmutation. CLICK HERE. Writing is my vehicle. It takes all I have not to slap the shit out of somebody on a daily basis. But where will that get me? In jail…with another 2 million black men.
And don’t start rapping. That shit lame. Don’t yell at her. Don’t hit her. Read some books. Be an engineer. Learn how to code. Go do something that’s gonna get u some money.
Don’t keep calling your ex. Don’t keep chasing the past. Let them go. Let go of the regret from whatever you felt like you did. You did the best you could with what limited guidance you had. Let each situation teach you how to be a better man.
If you really want her back, just continue to make yourself better. Not for her sake, but for your own. Whether she comes back or doesn’t come back, you will be the better for it. But she’s not gonna fuck with you. She’s gonna be with the next dude thinking things gonna be different until she wakes up and realizes that there is something deeper going on. Or not. 🙂
You do not know how to control yourself yet.