By Rhonda Cammon
SOTG Food + Spirits Editor
Usually during the brisk months of September and October, when summer flings fly away and selective singles enter a ritual similar to bears preparing for hibernation in winter, more substantive relationships commence and older relationships that have lasted a couple of seasons can easily turn into engagements. The paramours in these cozied up relationships become “cuffed,” meaning that they no longer have a need to seek non-platonic relationships with others.
For even greater clarity, Urban Dictionary defines the ritual: “During the fall and winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves, along with the rest of the world, desiring to be “cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity cause singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.”
According to various calendars, cuffing season officially starts Sept. 20. As such, now is the time to prepare for those want to have “relations” during these cold nights and not just an external heat source. Otherwise, celibate and/or unselected singles can still purchase a Snuggie, some long johns or wait for electric blankets to go on sale on Black Friday—they always do.
So fellas, pull out a pen and paper because the following list of supplies will ensure that each pre-cuffing encounter will be on point and reminiscent of that “after the club” sex scene in Knocked Up—with protection, however. If you follow this guide to a tee, you might need to double your regular time.
Even if the woman doesn’t drink brown liquors, nine times out of ten, she WILL drink it if promises of cunnilingus are attached to it. Now, brown liquor refers to any number of brown-hued alcoholic beverages: dark rum, brandy (cognac), and whiskey (bourbon, Scotch). Now, fellas, though brown may be your liquor of choice, try to limit your consumption to only a couple of drinks. While a drink can enable a person to overcome their sexual inhibitions or anxieties, excessive alcohol also has a negative physiological effect on the penis. You don’t want to experience what is commonly called “whiskey d*ck.” No one wins if you can’t get it up.
You can add any fruit juice to vodka and it becomes a martini. If you have never made a drink in your entire life, it’s pretty darn hard to mess up vodka with juice to taste. Pretty darn hard, I’d say.
• Orange Juice + Vodka = screwdriver
• Cranberry + Vodka = Cape Cod
• Lemon Juice + sugar+ Vodka = Lemon Drop
• Pineapple Juice + Vodka = Just Damn Tasty
• Olive Juice + Vodka = Dirty Martini (for added cool points, add a blue cheese-stuffed olive)
Disclaimer: Personally, I have a serious dislike for Moscato—it’s similar to the feeling that chefs have when they see a plate come back into their kitchens. It’s the same aversion that women have to break in new shoes with only 24-hour notice. I hate the stuff with a true passion, but after three Whiskey Old Fashioneds, even I WILL DRINK Moscato. Any self-respecting cuffer really should have five bottles of Moscato in the fridge at all times, because clearly, I’m the exception and not the norm.
Glassware and Ice
Nothing says “bromance” like a Red SOLO cup. Get some appropriate glassware, if you have no clue what that is or what that may look like, please see exhibit A. There is nothing sexier than a woman swirling ice in a glass or a man finishing a drink and using the ice in his glass to run along your body as he licks the trail up with his tongue. Now that you are all hot and bothered, make sure you have ice on hand or you will have no other choice but to re-read this article to rekindle the flame and get the juices flowing again. Nothing kills the mood quicker than hacking your life away and having to fall to the floor like Tim Tebow after a game-winning play like the taste of hot alcohol burning a path down your throat.