By TaMon Kane
SOTG Voices Editor
I’m laying here in the bed next to you with so many thoughts rushing through my brain. Thinking about people. The people I’ve loved and the ones who loved me. Asking myself: Why am I here? What led me to this point? Now, it’s 1:24 in the morning and I’m still thinking of someone else. Let me go back so you can better understand.
8:30 PM: Surfing on social media, against my better judgment, I go to your page. Rolling my eye at all of your posts even though some of them are actually thought-provoking. Trying not to claw my eyes out, I see a particular picture of you and one of our mutual friends; I decide to inbox them. For the sake of the story, we will call them, Bling. Bling and I have an interesting history of wanting to connect, but the timing was never right. Mainly because of my own lack of interest but something about Bling now is intriguing. Was it because they are associates of my ex or was it because…who am I kidding, though? That’s exactly why.
10:00 PM: Bling and I chat for hours, catching up from our last involvement. Our conversation bears flashes of authentic connection, but mostly counterfeit moments planted to get to the inevitable: the invite. Bling finally pulls the trigger and now I feel a sense of accomplishment. Pushing down any pangs of guilt and replacing them with excitement, I shower and get ready for the night’s adventure. From this moment on, I am laser-focused on making this a session to never forget.
11:30 PM: On the car ride over, I ignored calls from two of my closest friends because I know explaining to them what I’m doing would only make me confront my selfish motives. Talking would make me face the mirror and see the horns poking from my forehead. Instead, I blast music until it’s time to make the turn to pull into the driveway. I park. I give myself a pep talk in the rearview mirror. You’re grown and making grown decisions. Enjoy this experience. Though I cannot recall at this time, my feet carry me to Bling’s doorstep. A few soft knocks on the door and Bling answers. With all of the hypnotic charm I could muster, I greet Bling with a smile and walked in. Bling smelled amazing. This was really happening.
1:24 AM: So now, I’m laying here not filled with regret, sadness, or guilt but something worse. Loneliness. The afterglow and novelty of our lustful deed have worn off and I’m left with nothing but questions. How can share a bed with someone who wants to love and understand me, but feels so lonely and isolated? Why cannot I get you out of my mind instead? Bling reaches over for me. We cuddle and, for a moment, I began to think this could actually be okay. I start to silence those unwanted thoughts and begin to ponder. Perhaps this could become something. Maybe this is exactly what I needed. At least right now. I smile and fall asleep feeling healed.